Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Workin' It: Marriage Edition

Before I get into today's topic, I quickly wanted to remind you about tomorrow's Girl Chat link up - we are sharing all about our Valentine's Day plans!!  We'd love for you to link up and let us know your plans!  For all the details and upcoming post topics, check out last week's Friday Favorite's post.  

You may be wondering why I am participating in this link up because one, I am not married and two, as I shared in my birthday post last year, I am actually divorced.  However, I still wanted to share some things I have learned, as well as things I have observed from others on what makes a marriage work...at least in my opinion.

Know where each other stands.  This is actually a really great idea to do before marriage, and even probably at the time you start talking about getting engaged.  One of my closest friends got engaged a few months after meeting her now husband.  Something they did to help prepare themselves for marriage was actually go through a book that was made exactly for that.  I can't find the book online, but it was like 100 questions, or 101 questions to ask before you get married - something along those lines.  Another friend mentioned that she has known some couples that don't talk about kids / the future until right before they are married, or are actually married.  Maybe traveling is a big thing to you, having kids, owning a home by a certain time, going on family vacations, or being debt-free...just to name a few.  I think it's important to discuss those types of things so you can get on the same page.  And if you aren't on the same page, you will at least know where each other stands, which you can then take into consideration on moving forward.  Obviously things can change, what you want at age 25 might not be the same as what you want down the road, but I think opening those lines of communication to discuss those big topics is a good thing.      

Teamwork makes the dream work.  This corny phrase is one of my very favorites, and I find it to be so true.  For example, one of you may be extra swamped at work, and some of your household duties may fall to the wayside.  Whether it be cleaning, getting dinner together, running an errand, having the other person step up to take that thing off your plate, even if it's normally "your job" can be such a little thing with a big impact.  Maybe you just had a bad day and the last thing you want to do is make dinner when you get home.  By offering to do that, or picking something off to ease the stress can go a long way.  Or maybe one of you takes out the garbage while the other cooks dinner - teamwork.  I also think an extra important thing is that this "team" isn't about keeping score.  It's not, "well I did this last, so you need to do it now", it's about just giving and taking when needed.

Fight clean.  When you are upset, it can be SO easy to take a dig, name call, or intentionally hurt someone with your words or actions.  Restrain yourself.  Words cannot be unheard.  Actions cannot be undone.  Whether it be big or small, those things can have lasting damage.  While at the time it may be harder to take the high road, it is always worth it in the end.

Keep your expectations in check.  One of my best friends told me this and I think it applies to a lot of areas in a relationship.  Just because you are willing to do X for someone, does not mean that they need to feel the same way.  They may show their commitment in a different way.  It can even apply to gift giving.  For example, he may think you should want one thing, when in reality the perfect gift for you is something else and vice versa.  You can't push your ideas of how someone should be on them.  You need to accept those differences and even appreciate them.

Be each other's biggest fan.  Think your significant other is the best and deserves the world.  Relish in each other's successes.  I realize not all days will be peachy and rosy, but that shouldn't diminish the underlying support you have for each other at the end of the day.  If it's a win for one of you, then it's a win for both!

I know that is the just the tip of the ice berg, but I am going to cut it off now, because five is my favorite number and this post would otherwise be forever long.  So that's a little look at my take on making a marriage work, or at the very least, its what I think would make a marriage work for me!

What would your top marriage advice be?

Linking up with ShayErikaJenn and Jessi


29 comments:

  1. Definitely great pieces of advice that make marriage work! I agree with them all, my husband is my biggest fan for sure as I am his & while we dont agree on everything - at the core we agree on the things that matter! xo, Biana -BlovedBoston

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  2. Teamwork is super important and I have to make sure that I don't keep records of things I did--like thinking I've done something the last 5 times and hold it against Dustin. And fighting clean is important too because when emotions are high sometimes it's easy to say something just because you know it would hurt their feelings if you feel like you're feelings are hurt. I've had to learn that before haha!
    Sarah at MeetTheShaneyfelts

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  3. These are such great pieces of advice. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with divorce. I've seen it first hand with my sister. But I've also seen her find her true soulmate and get married again. So I have no doubt you'll take what you've learned and run with it to find that perfect man for you!! Thanks so much for sharing Emily!

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  4. Never been married, but fighting clean and not resorting to name calling is something I believe in!

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  5. These are all great pieces of advice! Marriage is definitely not easy. Its a conscious decision to recommit to someone and your relationship on a daily basis.

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  6. I didn't know you were divorced? I'm going to have to go back and read about that -

    This is all solid advice! The keeping your expectations in check is huge! I think that can be a huge reason why some people don't get married, they expect too much.

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  7. these are so important and i totally agree! Teamwork is key! Really enjoyed your post! I hope you can check my post out as well!

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  8. Amen sister, amen to all of this! You rock! Have a great day! xo

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  9. Yes girl yes! Teamwork is huge and so is being each other's biggest fan! It helps to know you have someone in your corner at all times :)

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  10. So much great advice in this post! I would definitely echo every single one-- especially remembering the importance of teamwork and knowing where expectations lie!

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  11. Great tips - I definitely think talking about where each other stands on things before getting engaged/marrired helps - we did thank on a few things and now I'll be like remember I told you that before we even got engaged haha!

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  12. Great advice!! Teamwork is everything and fighting clean is too.

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  13. Excellent advice! I've never been married but I am dating someone who is divorced and we are implementing these in a dating relationship as well!

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  14. Married or divorced your tips are SO good! Thanks for sharing, girl!

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  15. I totally missed your birthday post where you mentioned being divorced, but I remember you told me in an email before. Anyway, I went to read that post and I just have to say I am the same way with SO MANY things! Being stressed driving somewhere new, never crying and then always crying, being a morning person even on weekends, online shopping except with my mom, movie theater popcorn, not liking talking on the phone annnd being critical of pictures of myself! Haha!

    Okay, back to the present. This is all great advice!

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  16. These are all such great tips, Emily! I agree with you completely about knowing the expectations BEFORE getting married. Brian and I took a covenant class at our church before we got married and we had to answer tons of questions about life in general. It was able to give us an idea of how compatible we are about the big important things in life so we both know where each other stood before we took the plunge.

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  17. Thanks for sharing your story! I love your advice. I think you hit on all the important things - communication, team work, clear expectations and being their biggest cheerleader. Things definitely work better at my house when we are regularly communicating our plans, feelings and needs.

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  18. Love these especially keeping your expectations in check. I think thats important for a lot of reasons, but we all need to make sure we aren't keeping score. I love the fight fair too because it made me think of my husbands and I's "precana Retreat" we went on before we got married and they said to always fight in the nude!! it made everyone crack up laughing!

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  19. This is so so so true on all accounts! My husband was married before me, and he and his ex-wife had some fundamental differences that weren't discussed before they married...like children. He learned, and we learned that our marriage is a partnership, we work together, and we fight fair. Love this honest post!

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  20. Wow Emily I never realized. Just a little reminder how much all of have going on outside of this little space! Your tips are really good and insightful. Marriage take SO much work. It is so easy to point a finger at the other person, or make digs. These are such good reminders to apply.

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  21. I love this and I never knew that you were divorced. I think all of the things you talk about are great for a marriage foundation. Especially talking about the big things before getting married. You want to be on the same page and not get hurt when one person doesn't want what the other person does.

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  22. Definitely all great advice! Marriage is definitely not easy and both parties have to be willing to work at it to keep it lasting. These are all definitely great tips and you're right, still the tip of the iceberg but you have to start somewhere :)

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  23. I love all of the advice here--I think it's all key and super pertinent for a great relationship!

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  24. I love that you still participated in this although you are divorced. You have a lot of wisdom to share!!!

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  25. Your positive attitude and willingness to still participate in link-ups like this is one of the reasons I really do adore you as a blogger. You keep it SO real and positive.

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  26. I really enjoyed your advice! I'm not married either but I can totally agree with your points :-)

    Amanda @ Cupcake N Dreams

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  27. These are all great tips Emily! It's so amazing how many things I learned from my failed marriage which have given me a different view and managing expectations is definitely one of those.

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  28. Coming into this link up late, but yes! That book is 1001 Questions to Read Before You Get Married. Highly recommend. In my opinion, it's important to talk about these things BEFORE you start planning a wedding. Some things can be compromised, but there are certainly issues that could be deal breakers for a marriage and one would definitely want to know about them way in advance! I love the tip about expectations too. So much wisdom!

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